One Week Later

11:28 pm November 3, 2014 is etched in my mind.  Just twenty-four hours earlier we were in bed holding each other.  As I struggle to find the words at this time, the vision of death surrounds me.  The grief is unbearable.  I mourn the loss of my best friend; my lover; my soul mate.

One week ago today I came home for lunch to find that the end was near.  I was not willing to admit it.  I was certain that this was just another setback. I truly believed that we had more time.

This thing called cancer had a different idea.  As my love lay in pain retching up more blood than seems possible I still believed that there was hope.  Once stabilized with a transfusion I kept a close eye on the monitors.  It seemed like cancer was held back.  The Doctor came in the room and said the end is near.  No, i said.  Look at the monitor.  They eventually turned the monitor off and so quietly and peacefully my best friend, my love, my soul mate passed away.

The story is much more vivid than that.  I just am not ready to put it down in words.  I fear that the words will bring too much reality to the moment.

Over the last week I have been numb.  It just cannot be real.  It is even more unreal that it has been one week later.  Today as i drove to work, I remembered the last time my love was in the car.  To ease his fear as we drove to the Emergency Room I held his hand.  I made sure we did not go through any of the bumps in the road.  All day long i kept looking at the clock to see the different milestones that occurred ones eek ago.  1:30 pm we arrived at the ER.  4:10 pm we nearly lost the battle. 5:00 pm our son arrived.  While not communicative, I believe my love knew that our son was there.  I tried to watch a little TV in the evening to pass the time.  For some reason I decided to create a new Blog instead.   I began writing at 11:21 pm because I knew that I needed a distraction from 11:28 pm.

The week has been full of new ways of thinking.  I have learned about how to get someone cremated is rural Alaska. I have learned how many death certificates a person will likely need.  I have learned that my love will be returning to me via the US Post Office.  I have learned that you can not bring cremated remains in a Folgers Coffee can on the plane.  Come to find out cremated remains have a similar composition as the explosive C4.  Therefore, my love will be in a TSA Pre Approved box.  I am sure this is just the beginning.

The one thing that came as a surprise to me is how a small town really comes together to support people who loose a loved one.  This is my 5th winter in Alaska.  While I have made a few friends, the out pouring of support was more than i anticipated.  We came from a mid-size town in Washington State.  While familial there was not this close bond that small town Alaska has.  I cannot express how much this has meant to my son and I.

I seemed to have made it through the first week.  I am looking forward to the day that my love comes home.

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7 thoughts on “One Week Later

  1. I was doing okay until I read this, then the tears stating falling. I think that is good, it means there is a small part of my heart that I have reserved for Ian and of course for you too Patty. Thank you for writing this, and I suspect we’ll see more and more writing as you begin to heal.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Patty, I cannot comprehend your pain. Having watched my sis go through this I can, however, identify with the loss and sorrow comes along with having a part of us die with our loved one.
    Know that I am with you in spirit and love. I am your forever friend, but time is your best friend right now. This deep pain will not last forever, I promise you.
    I love you and Stu. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Patty, this is really touching. I can’t believe it’s been 5 years since you moved, any more than you can believe it has already been a week. I think about you and Stuart. The pictures you have posted are sweet and let us know you are doing what you need to be doing. I am glad you feel surrounded by caring folks in your new hometown as well as from a distance. Sending you hugs!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Way to go Patty! These entries are going to be a treasure as years go by–one can never replicate the raw emotion that is evidenced in your sentences.
    If I could offer you a glimmer of hope, it would be to relate (from personal experience) that while at first, the mind refuses to think in “logical” ways… you keep glimpsing your loved one out of the corner of your eye, you swear you just heard their voice… smell them next to you… It’s maddening. But eventually those little “tricks of the mind” morph into solid memories that last. and, it may just be that’s why our mind does that–to cement the lasting imprint. I believe it is, in part, how we keep those we love with us always.
    So anyways, Bravo to you for writing this all down. Keep it up–you’ll be so very glad you did!

    Liked by 1 person

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