11:28 pm November 3, 2014 is etched in my mind. Just twenty-four hours earlier we were in bed holding each other. As I struggle to find the words at this time, the vision of death surrounds me. The grief is unbearable. I mourn the loss of my best friend; my lover; my soul mate.
One week ago today I came home for lunch to find that the end was near. I was not willing to admit it. I was certain that this was just another setback. I truly believed that we had more time.
This thing called cancer had a different idea. As my love lay in pain retching up more blood than seems possible I still believed that there was hope. Once stabilized with a transfusion I kept a close eye on the monitors. It seemed like cancer was held back. The Doctor came in the room and said the end is near. No, i said. Look at the monitor. They eventually turned the monitor off and so quietly and peacefully my best friend, my love, my soul mate passed away.
The story is much more vivid than that. I just am not ready to put it down in words. I fear that the words will bring too much reality to the moment.
Over the last week I have been numb. It just cannot be real. It is even more unreal that it has been one week later. Today as i drove to work, I remembered the last time my love was in the car. To ease his fear as we drove to the Emergency Room I held his hand. I made sure we did not go through any of the bumps in the road. All day long i kept looking at the clock to see the different milestones that occurred ones eek ago. 1:30 pm we arrived at the ER. 4:10 pm we nearly lost the battle. 5:00 pm our son arrived. While not communicative, I believe my love knew that our son was there. I tried to watch a little TV in the evening to pass the time. For some reason I decided to create a new Blog instead. I began writing at 11:21 pm because I knew that I needed a distraction from 11:28 pm.
The week has been full of new ways of thinking. I have learned about how to get someone cremated is rural Alaska. I have learned how many death certificates a person will likely need. I have learned that my love will be returning to me via the US Post Office. I have learned that you can not bring cremated remains in a Folgers Coffee can on the plane. Come to find out cremated remains have a similar composition as the explosive C4. Therefore, my love will be in a TSA Pre Approved box. I am sure this is just the beginning.
The one thing that came as a surprise to me is how a small town really comes together to support people who loose a loved one. This is my 5th winter in Alaska. While I have made a few friends, the out pouring of support was more than i anticipated. We came from a mid-size town in Washington State. While familial there was not this close bond that small town Alaska has. I cannot express how much this has meant to my son and I.
I seemed to have made it through the first week. I am looking forward to the day that my love comes home.